Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm on a mental vacation....

To keep me from going mental! I'm just exhausted mentally. I already have a brain that never stops running off on tangents and likes to jump from one task to another and when you add any other strenuous mental activity to its already hyper nature it gets REALLY TIRED. I swear the older I get and the more time I spend alone the more I wonder if the sensory sensitive, people avoiding person I have been the past year is who I have always been.

I have been through many phases in my life. I spent many years starting in junior high and through high school trying to find friends and figure out where I fit in. I never fit in. I did sports, poorly but got social interaction from being involved in them. Plus, I have always enjoyed the sensory input of being physically active. I had very poor social skills but managed to make "friends" in different social circles. I still preferred to be alone. I went to a very liberal private college and went wild! I made many friends but again never really felt like I fit into any particular circle COMPLETELY. I was very sensory seeking in college and in my twenties. Lots of people and lots of noise were exciting and interesting to me. I think I was running and running hard away from things that bothered me about myself. I was a mess.

When Stephen was diagnosed with Autism at 18 months we had people in and out of the house every week day. I had to take him to play groups for social therapy. I had no choice but to interact with people. I was also still working at this time and forced to deal with people. Once I became pregnant with my daughter and became a full time stay at home mom I seemed to slow down. I started to enjoy solitude like I did as the shy quiet child I was before my teens. I was still making a friend here or there but never really had total acceptance from them. I also felt like I said and did the wrong things when we interacted. Once I was at home all the time and wasn't distracted by all kinds of people and noise and running around I rediscovered the recluse I was growing up. I discovered that I liked being alone and threw myself back into being creative. I taught myself how to knit and was always trying new crafting materials and started scrapbooking. I got back into taking photos like I did when my dad got me interested in photography in my teens.

Now, I hate to leave my house. I prefer to only interact with my friend Jenn and my family. They are the only people I can be myself with and I don't feel the need to analyze everything I said and did after every social interaction with them. I like quiet unless I'm listening to music in the car or watching a tv show or movie. I'm becoming more sensitive to noises that I don't like. Especially high pitched or repetitive noises. I freak out over mess, disorder, germs and clutter. I like being at home where I can control my environment. I love working on my various projects, obsessions really. I know none of this is "normal". And I finally don't care. This is me. This is what I like and how I prefer to live my life.

Back to why I need a mental vacation. So as you can see, I have a low threshold for foolishness and mayhem. I like things quiet, clean, organized, logical and predictable.

We have had too many appointments in the past 2 months between Olivia and Stephen and the various check-ups and specialists they both have needed to see. After my accident last November I hate driving or riding in our car. Anywhere. Just leaving the house, riding in the car and going some place where there are people to deal with stresses me out and drains me mentally. Going with my hubby definitely makes it easier : ) God bless him. He understands and tells me to schedule appointments on Fridays so he can drive and go with me. Plus, it keeps in in the loop of what is going on with the kids and all their stuff.

I like getting new cool tech stuff but hate having to set them up and learn how to use them and get stressed until they become a routine part of my life. In one month we bought a 4 handset phone (sick of missing and dropped calls on our cells at home), a new computer for Stephen, a router to set up a wireless network for the 3 computers in the house and the Wii. We bought one router that sucked and had to bring it back after spending hours trying to get it to work and even called the manufacturer which was a waste of time. Pat took it back and got a different brand that is great and working just fine : ) The printer that came with Stephen's computer was a piece of crap that wouldn't work and Pat took it back and was told he had to exchange it for another one and couldn't get a refund because it was part of the "package". It still sits unopened in its box in the basement with the $33 cable that had to be purchased separately, of course. Stephen's computer was easy to set up but it has Vista and needed to have some things set up on it. Works great but it was something new, so stressful for me. We had to move his very heavy bed and his book case which meant moving all his books so he could sit on his bed and watch movies on his computer. Of course, we just move his glider rocker! It was still worth moving everything because his room looks better that way. The phones were easy to set up. However, I still have yet to complete putting all the numbers in the directory....

There were lots of back to school freebies at various stores so lots of running around and leaving my house and dealing with strangers and their lovely noise and smells and attitudes. Love the freebies but hate what it takes to get them.

My garden did pretty well but the tomatoes fell victim to blight. My flowers are finally looking gorgeous now that is hasn't been raining cats and dogs for a week straight. Speaking of rain, our basement flooded a handful of times and that was a pain in the tush mopping up an inch of rain each time. Sometimes it would flood at midnight when I would much rather be sleeping.

I loved having Olivia home over the summer but she is overstimulating. She is a great kid but is very social and loves talking and interacting and jumps around and runs around and makes messes. My son wasn't home during the day most of the summer but had a terrible time once again in summer school. Just knowing he was miserable all day and dealing with some of the behavior that he would bring home was stressful. I wasn't able to go to the gym ALL SUMMER! I had no routine, no order all summer. Wonder why I am in need of a break.

I have had a million medication orders and consents to fill out for school for both kids. Insurance and fuel assistance renewal forms. School info forms for emergencies and allergies and on and on.

We are still getting this place organized and getting settled in. We just painted Olivia's room this past weekend. I will be posting those picks on my other blog if you're interested.

Now I am trying to transition every one's wardrobes from summer to fall and figure out what is too small and needs the next size up. More shopping, which means more running around (unless I get lucky and find it online) and all that driving and people etc. etc. And of course I sell anything worth money on ebay to pay for all the new stuff they need. That requires sorting and organizing and washing and photos and listing and shipping.....

I went and bought a monthly/weekly planner a couple weeks ago to try and help me get some kind of order and routine back in my life. If it isn't written down I will forget it.

Sorry to vent but this is why I haven't blogged much. I'm worn out and overwhelmed. I hate to complain and try really hard to be positive because if I don't laugh I will cry.

So far there are NO appointments for October. Yay!!

If you don't see a blog post for days or weeks it's because I am trying to be the ringmaster of my own little circus and I'm too busy or tired to bother telling anybody about it. Or when I get a break I'm on facebook tending my virtual farms. I know I'm such a nerd but I'm ok with that : )

1 comment:

StatMama said...

I totally get that. And you're definitely entitled to an occasional vent! (Besides, it lets the rest of us know we're not alone!)